Thanks to the relative anonymity of Reddit, people often share stories there that they might otherwise never tell a soul — like the person (presumably a man, but we can’t know for sure) who opened up this weekend about repeatedly masturbating into a coconut.
The user goes by coconutthrowaway69, which they wrote in their post was a fake account they made explicitly to tell this story, and posted to Reddit’s TIFU (Today I Fucked Up) page. Their TIFU actually happened 8 years ago, as BuzzFeed reports, but seems to have been plaguing their mind ever since.
The story starts, “Horny me decides that it would be a fantastic idea to fuck a coconut,” and only gets more interesting from there. See, the poster’s mom had apparently been recently obsessed with tropical fruits and when they learned that she would be out of the house for a whole day, they decided it was the perfect opportunity to drill a hole into on of her coconuts and see if it was actually as fantastic of a masturbation aid as they thought — it was.
They enjoyed it so much, in fact, that they continued to have sex with the coconut. That’s all good and jolly. We’re not about to shame anyone for being creative about what counts as a sex toy, but the problem is that 1) the poster used butter as a lubricant, and 2) didn’t clean the coconut. After multiple uses and leaving the coconut out in the open of their room, you can imagine what happened next.
“About a week and a bit after the initial coconut fuck (I had been using it pretty much every day since then) I begin to notice a few more flies than usual as well as an odd, unpleasant smell about my room,” they wrote. “Must be the coconut right? So I decide that I’ll fuck it once more before I throw it out and get a new one.”
“Worst mistake I have ever made. You see, the reason for the increased number of flies was that the coconut was evidently, in hindsight, a nearly perfect place to lay eggs. As I penetrate the coconut one last time I begin to feel a strange wriggling sensation. Puzzled, I pull my cock out to discover that it is COVERED in rotted and moldy butter and semen and TEEMING WITH TINY FUCKING MAGGOTS. They were wriggling all over my dick head and some were even trying to force their way up into my urethra.”
Go ahead and shudder — it’s pretty terrifying.
After posting the nightmare-inducing experience, though, a maybe even stranger thing started to happen: Other people decided to give it a try. Reddit’s TIFU page started filling up with stories from other people who had read this person’s story and thought that it sounded like a good thing to try. We can only hope they threw their coconuts out after one use.
While there weren’t any more stories about maggots crawling all over someone’s genitals, there were plenty about some kind of injury. One person posted a story titled, “TIFU by not listening to a TIFU post and getting my dick stuck in a coconut, another wrote about being caught trying to have sex with a coconut by their mom, and still another was so inspired by the coconut story that they tried to have sex with a pineapple and got their penis stuck. (Needless to say, all of these stories are very NSFW.)
It’s become such a thing on this Reddit page, that people have coined a term for it: coconuting
There’s clearly something to learn about masturbating with fruit here, but we’re not exactly sure what it is — again, having sex with items not initially meant for sex doesn’t always end this badly. Maybe it’s just that you need to be careful about cleaning whatever you decide to use to get off (please, please clean your sex toys — natural or not), or that whatever weird sex thing you think only you have done probably isn’t that uncommon.